


Can't Make You Bleed If I'm Alone

by CoffeeAndArrows



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, But Mostly Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sara Lance Needs a Hug, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 02:49:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14071275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeAndArrows/pseuds/CoffeeAndArrows
Summary: 'Captain, evidence shows your attempts to calm yourself are unsuccessful, I would recommend -'Sara growled at the ceiling, her voice still shaking, 'Shut the hell up Gideon. Don't you dare.'She was fine. She just needed to calm herself down, and then she would be okay. Deep breaths. In, Out.Fuck.Ava's safer far away from you.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> More Sara angst because she can't process her emotions and just needs a hug.
> 
> I hope you like to cry :)

 

_The world is coming down on me_  
_And I can't find a reason to be loved_  
_I never wanna leave you_  
_But I can't make you bleed if I'm alone_

 

For the second night in a row, Sara woke up wide eyed and terrified, a sheen of sweat covering her face and soaking into her sheets .  Her heart pounded as she sucked in rapid, desperate breaths, and she clutched at her heart as she tried  valiantly to regain some control over her mind . _Shit._

Gideon turned the lights up, and she slammed her eyes shut in response, but images of the people haunting her nightmares  were burned onto the back of her eyelids as she struggled to regain her grip on reality . _You thought I forgot about you,_ the girl whispered.

_You thought I forgot about you._ Sara pressed her hands against her ears in an attempt to stop the voices. She could never forget. _You thought -_

'Captain Lance, you appear to be in some distress. Would you like me to call -'

_'No'_ she managed to choke out between raged breaths, knowing what Gideon was going to ask. No Ava. Ava was better off without her.

Sara ran a trembling hand though her hair, counting her breaths, but the hand clutching at her chest offered only a pale imitation of the comfort Ava had provided . Why did she always ruin the good things in her life?

_To keep her safe,_ the voice in her mind whispered. _She's safer far away from you._

'Captain, evidence shows your attempts to calm yourself are unsuccessful, I would recommend -'

Sara growled at the ceiling, her voice still shaking, 'Shut the hell up Gideon. Don't you dare.'

She was fine. She  just needed to calm herself down, and then she would be okay. Deep breaths. In, Out. _Fuck._

Getting up from her bed, Sara shrugged on a sweater and left her room, pacing the corridor outside in an attempt to maintain some control . _I thought you gave nightmares, not got them._ Oh, if only Ava knew the horrors she saw when she closed her eyes. The people she'd killed, the lives she'd ruined. Sara shuddered. Ava was safest far, far away from her.

And besides, if she hadn't hated her before, she  certainly did now. Ava had crossed time and dimensions to save her from a demon, and she had responded by pushing her away.

No. Mallus was right, Nora was right; Sara was a killer, and she stained every person she came into contact with.  So many innocent lives had  been ruined by her, and she wouldn't add Ava to that ever growing list - Ava was too pure, too _good_ for that . A better person than she would ever deserve.

Sara felt her breathing hitch again, and cursed herself, slamming her fist into the wall before sinking down beside it, the tears she had been suppressing finally beginning to fall . 

She didn't deserve Ava.

_ You're a killer. _

But God, did Sara need her right now. She wanted nothing more than for Ava to wrap her arms around her and make her feel safe. Loved. She craved affection,  desperately needing a soft touch or a kind word.

Sara scrubbed at her face, but her tears continued to fall, an unstoppable stream now she had finally let go. But what was she crying for? What right did she have go  be upset ? Ava would be here, if not for her. Ava would have comforted her, calmed her, and listened to her nightmares.  She would have made sure Sara could breathe, and helped her sleep again, instead of letting her wander through the corridors of the Waverider at night, trying and failing to pull herself together .

_No. Don't do that. You did this for a reason._

A reason that was becoming harder and harder to see. A reason that had made sense in daylight, but right now, Sara  was lost , and  desperately needed someone to cling on to.  The silence of the night had a way of bringing out peoples hidden vulnerability, making it impossible to hide from her true self .

Caught up in her own turmoil, she didn't notice someone come through a portal onto the ship, didn't hear the soft gasp they gave when their eyes passed over her, taking in her pale skin, trembling hands, and the tear tracks on her cold cheeks .

She  barely registered the soft fingers brushing away the tears on her cheeks, focusing instead of the gentle pressure over her heart making it a little easier to breathe, and the soft voice reminding her that she wasn't alone .  Blinking up at Ava once the pressure in her chest had lessened, Sara searched her face for any signs of annoyance or anger, but came up empty . She felt helpless, vulnerable in a way she hadn't been in years.  Which should have been a problem, she thought later, but in that moment Sara couldn't bring herself to care, lurching forward to bury her head in Ava's chest .

As the floodgates opened once more, Sara let her tears soak into the other woman's shirt, surrounding herself in the safety and warmth of the her embrace as she tried to quieten the voices in her head .

She was  vaguely aware of the growing wet patch on Ava's t shirt and something sticky that was almost definitely blood covering her knuckles, and a brief hint of embarrassment flickered through her mind before she pushed it away . Ava had come back. Whatever she'd said,  however much she'd hurt her, Ava had come back. She cared.

It could have been minutes, or hours later that Sara's breathing finally evened out and her tears dried, but it didn't matter . This was safe.  No one was here to punish her for her weakness, no one else could hear her sharp, panicked intake of breath when Ava went to remove her hand from its place covering Sara's heart .  And no one else would hear the pitiful whimper that escaped when the other woman pressed her hand back down, murmuring soft words into her ear as she led her back to her bed . _Their_ bed. 

This was safe. This was okay.

Exhausted, she couldn't understand the words Ava was muttering to her, but the fingers running through her hair and the hand on her chest said it all. Ava cared. She came back.  So Sara let herself drift off in the other woman's arms, not knowing that she was safe from her demons, but knowing that if she fell, someone was there to catch her.

And for now, that was enough.


	2. Hope You'll See Right Through My Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara pulled away, eyes flashing with an emotion that Ava couldn't put a name to. 'That's just it, Ava. That _was_ me. And you and the team keep telling me that it's okay, and that whatever Mallus showed me wasn't real, but it was. I didn't see hypothetical situations, I saw _myself._ Doing things that _I remember doing_.' She drew in a raged breath and continued 'I'm not safe to be around, and I forgot that, but I can't let you stay here until you get hurt.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your kudos and lovely comments, y'all made me want to write another chapter :)  
> Hope you like it xx

 

_ I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth  
And I've never opened up _

 

 

Lying  silently next to Sara as she slept, Ava berated herself for leaving when Sara told her to go, and for ignoring Constantine's words about Sara  being damaged . No. Damaged was the wrong word, but whatever. 

Sara was falling apart and nobody had noticed.

Feeling the other woman stiffen as she woke up, Ava tried not to move, keeping her arms around Sara.  She wasn't sure how much of the previous night Sara remembered, since she had seemed only a few inches away from a  fully fledged panic attack when Ava had found her .

'Hey,' Sara muttered, pulling away, her voice rough with sleep and something else that Ava couldn't quite put her finger on . 

 

'Hey. You okay?' 

Sara nodded, rubbing her face and brushing her hair out of her eyes.  She looked like shit, eyes red-rimmed, hair a mess and skin far too pale, yet somehow she still managed to take Ava's breath away . Not that she was going to tell her that right now. 

'Sara -'

'I'm sorry,' she choked out before Ava could finish. 'I'm so sorry. I told Gideon not to call you, I didn't mean to drag you back into this.'

She should've expected that. 'I'm glad I came. You shouldn't go through this alone, and I shouldn't have left when I did.'

Sara made a sound that could've been a laugh if this were a different situation. 'You left because I told you to go.'

'Yeah,' Ava agreed, 'but I shouldn't have listened, we should've had this conversation then instead of waiting for someone to fall apart .' 

She reached out to Sara, but the other woman shook her head, still determined to push Ava away. 'I meant what I said Aves, you should stay away.  Just look at what I did to my team. I'm sorry.'

She took a deep breath, and continued 'You mean too much to me, and this won't end well. I'll hurt you. '

Ava sighed, trying  desperately to make the other woman see what everyone else already could . 'That wasn't you Sara, you're not a killer.'

Sara pulled away, eyes flashing with an emotion that Ava couldn't put a name to. 'That's  just it, Ava. That _was_ me. And you and the team keep telling me that it's okay, and that whatever Mallus showed me wasn't real, but it _was_.  I didn't see hypothetical situations, or whatever visions the others talked about, I saw _myself_. Doing things that _I remember doing_ .'  She drew in a raged breath and continued 'It wasn't like he showed me a twisted version of reality, it was me killing people, me hurting those around me . I'm not safe to be around, and I forgot that, but I can't let you stick around until you get hurt Ava' 

She looked back at the other woman, eyes wet with unshed tears, begging to  be understood . She was a monster, but no one seemed to see that except her, and it was going to get them all killed. 

Ava's frowned  slightly , and for a minute Sara thought she might have got her message across, but then the other woman reached out to take her hand, brushing her thumb across Sara's knuckles . 'I don't know what Mallus showed you,' she agreed  softly . 'And I don't know everything about your past. But you are a fighter, Sara. You are the strongest person I know, and I'm not  just going to abandon you.'

Sara's voice shook as she tried again,  repeatedly whispering 'I'm a monster.'

Ava felt her heart break a little as she looked at the other woman, who had been through so much trauma in her life that she  truly believed that she was worthless, broken . 'You're not a monster, Sara.'

Sara shook her head and  silently looked down at her hands, taking in the red smears on her knuckles from where her fist had met the wall the night before .

Ava sighed again. 'Do you want to hurt your team Sara? Or me?'

Sara's head snapped up, hurt evident in her eyes. 'What? No. Of course not. Why would you even - '

Even though this was the point she was trying to make to Ava, it stung that the other woman now believed she would do anything to hurt her . She felt like she had  been slapped , her eyes stinging.

'Got any urges to shoot  Wally or break Ray's ribs? Plunge a knife into Rory?'

Sara shook her head, her tears finally running down her cheeks. 'Stop. Please. I don't want to hurt anyone.' Her voice  was meant to be firm, but it came out small and shaky. 'Please stop.'

Seeing Sara's tears, Ava  instantly regretted what she'd said, wrapping her arms around the smaller woman and kissing the top of her head, letting Sara's tears soak into her shirt as she poured out her soul . 'I know you don't want to hurt anyone Sara. I know.'

She  just needed Sara to understand it too.

 

A few minutes passed and Sara finally pulled away, rubbing her face to in an attempt to push away her tears. She took a deep breath, preparing herself. 'Okay. You're right, I don't want to hurt anyone. But that doesn't mean I _won't_  hurt you. I don't -'

_ I don't know if I'm in control. _

Ava reached out and took Sara's hand. 'You've got this, Sara. You've come back from Mallus' control twice, and you're not a quitter. And your team aren't going to give up on you.' 

'Yeah,' Sara agreed  quietly , her words uncertain, hesitant, as if she didn't quite believe them. 'What about you?'

Ava smiled  softly , squeezing Sara's hand. 'You told me yesterday that this was the happiest you'd ever been. Was that true?'

Sara nodded, a fragile smile creeping onto her face. 

'Being with you was the happiest I've ever been too,' Ava continued  softly . 'And I'm not going to give up on that.'

Sara bit her lip, still looking unsure, as if she couldn't quite find her footing. 'I'm not sure I deserve happiness right now.'

Ava brushed a stray hair from Sara's face and pulled her closer, pressing a chaste kiss to the other woman's lips. 'You don't get to decide what you deserve,' she whispered, resting their foreheads on each other, searching Sara's eyes to make sure she had understood.

'And I'm not going anywhere.'

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it, feel free to come scream at me in the comments x
> 
> Title from 'Arms' by Christia Perri  
> (which fits this fic perfectly so here's the link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeW0Sl0tNS8 )
> 
>  
> 
> _How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around_  
>  I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown
> 
>  
> 
> _You put your arms around me and I'm home_


End file.
